It has been approximately a month and a half since I have been back to work since little miss Elliot came along. And, I have got to say, I don't love it. I never thought in a million years I would want to be a stay at home mom. But, as it turns out, it is currently the deepest desire of my little heart.
To be fair, the job I came back to was not exactly the job I left. For those of you who don't know, I am a public defense attorney for an Indian tribe. While I was on maternity leave, my boss decided to take a new job and her job has not been filled. So, when I returned, I was asked to be the program manager until someone else can be hired. You might be saying, "But, Jessica, you are your own boss now, that sounds awesome!" No. Because not only has my workload doubled without another attorney in the office, but being in charge of three other employees comes with an endless parade of BS. On top of that, my commute is an hour each way. This really cuts into cuddle time with the babes.
I am not trying to sound ungrateful. I know in this economy just having a job is an accomplishment. And I really am flattered that my employer feels I am able to run the Public Defender's Office. But, at what point do you go from doing any job to looking for the job you really want? When I was in law school I never imagined I would be practicing criminal law. Public defense can be brutal, soul-crushing work. Sometimes, even when you win you feel like you lose. It is true what they say, you either get into criminal defense for life or for a short time, there is no in-between. I am not a lifer.
So, blogosphere, I guess I am coming to you for advice. I don't really know what I want. If I took the plunge to become a stay at home mom I am not even sure I would be happy with that decision. Not to mention, who would pay all those school loans!? I wish I could go back in time and tell that dumbass (me) who is taking out all those loans with abandon that really I am signing my name to the dotted line of not having the option to stay at home with my future babies. I know women have struggled with these decisions for decades, but it is something you never truly understand until you are experiencing it.
So, I am one uncertain Mama when it comes to work. But there is one thing I am absolutely certain about: I am blessed with the most amazing family, and no matter what happens at work I always have that :).
I walked in on this adorable scene the other day and had to run and grab my camera:
These two are the best!
You should apply for a criminal defense contract. Sure you have clients and court, but you largely set your own schedule around it. If you pack your schedule, you can work two or three days a week. Worked great for me/loved the flexibility until my surgery complications made other plans. Let me know if you have questions.
ReplyDeleteHey, I've been meaning to post a comment on here, because I've so struggled with the same thing after I had each of mine. What I have come around to is this: 1) The time when your children are young is soooo short and sooooo precious. Many woman are amazing at working while raising a small child, but I was never good at juggling both. So I decided to take a break. 2) If you do stop temporarily, it doesn't solve everything. You still feel guilty that you have those big loans, you aren't financially helping your family, you aren't out there helping the world. Sometimes, when I'm like cleaning the toilet or something, I say to myself, "I am so awesome at scrubbing this toilet because I have an expensive law degree!" Which makes me feel better. But, truthfully, even if you feel a little bad about it, you should remember 3) that you will have YEARS AND YEARS to use your law degree and help the world (and not to forget, your amazing little creature is also going to be making the world a great place thanks to your efforts). I mean, even if you stay home with kids for ten years, you will still have probably 25 years to work and build a retirement fund and pay off loans, etc.
ReplyDeleteDon't know if it helps, but this was what I chose to do. Either way, your little one will have the benefit of having a strong, hard-working, loving mom as an example her whole life. How could you possibly go wrong no matter what you decide to do?
Brett,
DeleteThank you so much for your comment! I never thought it would be this hard before I had my baby. You never really appreciate how difficult a decision it is until you have experienced it. I have come to the conclusion that every woman has to decide for herself what is best and there is no wrong answer. I just wish I could figure out what I want! Sigh...they should teach this in law school instead of BA...I would have gotten more out of it ;).