Don't quit your day job.

It has been approximately a month and a half since I have been back to work since little miss Elliot came along.  And, I have got to say, I don't love it.  I never thought in a million years I would want to be a stay at home mom.  But, as it turns out, it is currently the deepest desire of my little heart.

To be fair, the job I came back to was not exactly the job I left.  For those of you who don't know, I am a public defense attorney for an Indian tribe.  While I was on maternity leave, my boss decided to take a new job and her job has not been filled.  So, when I returned, I was asked to be the program manager until someone else can be hired.  You might be saying, "But, Jessica, you are your own boss now, that sounds awesome!"  No.  Because not only has my workload doubled without another attorney in the office, but being in charge of three other employees comes with an endless parade of BS.  On top of that, my commute is an hour each way.  This really cuts into cuddle time with the babes.

I am not trying to sound ungrateful.  I know in this economy just having a job is an accomplishment.  And I really am flattered that my employer feels I am able to run the Public Defender's Office.  But, at what point do you go from doing any job to looking for the job you really want?  When I was in law school I never imagined I would be practicing criminal law.  Public defense can be brutal, soul-crushing work.  Sometimes, even when you win you feel like you lose.  It is true what they say, you either get into criminal defense for life or for a short time, there is no in-between.  I am not a lifer.

So, blogosphere, I guess I am coming to you for advice.  I don't really know what I want.  If I took the plunge to become a stay at home mom I am not even sure I would be happy with that decision.  Not to mention, who would pay all those school loans!?  I wish I could go back in time and tell that dumbass (me) who is taking out all those loans with abandon that really I am signing my name to the dotted line of not having the option to stay at home with my future babies.  I know women have struggled with these decisions for decades, but it is something you never truly understand until you are experiencing it.

On the plus side, my working so hard and Erik getting his first nursing job (this is the first time we have had two incomes!!) allows us a little wiggle room to spoil Ells a little.  For example, may I introduce the luxury high chair:

The finest Target has to offer :).  Girlfriend loves it.  She likes to sit at the table like a big girl.

So, I am one uncertain Mama when it comes to work.  But there is one thing I am absolutely certain about:  I am blessed with the most amazing family, and no matter what happens at work I always have that :).

I walked in on this adorable scene the other day and had to run and grab my camera:

These two are the best!